You may have known for a while now that your marriage is not working out despite your best efforts to make things right. The very thought of bringing up the conversation of divorce or filing a petition is daunting, and most people fret over it for months without knowing which way to follow. San Diego Divorce Attorney understands this moral dilemma, and we have curated this blog to help you in preparing for divorce.
- Financial strategy
One of the most prominent outcomes of divorce is severing economic ties with your spouse, and this step can have ramifications on you and your children. There will be a new reality to get accustomed to, and this starts with looking at the state of your finances to get a clear picture of where things stand. Money is one of the most significant issues that lead to divorce, and even if you are filing due to other reasons, it is high time you examined your finances.
Are you the sole breadwinner or a co-breadwinner? If you don't contribute financially, do you have money to live on your own and with the kids? These are the sorts of questions to ask before jumping right in and filing a divorce petition. You will also need to retain a divorce lawyer right away, and this costs money that will need to have access to through a joint account or other means. Also, your spouse – who could be the breadwinner – may not react well upon being served with papers, and they could use financial abuse as a way of retaliation.
There will be plenty of people giving unsolicited advice about how to deal with money before and after filing, but nothing beats sound financial advice from a trusted professional. If you have joint credit accounts, you need to close these to avoid accruing shared debts after filing as this will only complicate things further. Outline expenditures including scheduled payments like mortgages, car loan, other insurances, and so on. Money remains a significant hurdle in marriages and even more so when people are separating so pay close attention to this aspect of a divorce.
- Prepare your children
The very idea of separating evokes fear when children are involved and especially young kids who are still dependent on their parents for everyday activities. Worrying about how children will receive the news and how this process will affect them now and down the road keeps many people in unhappy unions. As noble as this idea is, sacrificing your happiness and well-being for the sake of children is counterproductive if the cracks start to show. Witnessing parents bickering over money, suspected infidelity, negative undercurrents, and just about everything can emotionally scar a child more than a divorce would.
Children deserve a happy home, but an amicable divorce is far better than raising them in a bad marriage. If you have tried to repair things and salvage your marriage to no avail, exposing kids to a routine of hate, resentment, and possible violence is a disservice to their well being. Speak to your children about the pending divorce very calmly and show a united front. This bombshell is bound to elicit a ton of questions about what happens next, or if the kids did anything wrong, or simply, why? Be ready to address their concerns without placing blame on either party regardless of how you feel about each other.
Experts say that children of divorce benefit from an unruffled emotional baseline, two separate homes that are peaceful and inviting, blissful mom and dad, not to mention setting a great example. Separating amicably and remaining civil when co-parenting teaches kids to value their happiness, and they learn the art of compromise watching you work out issues during and post-divorce.
- Consult a marriage counselor
Even when the situation seems unsalvageable and your only recourse is getting divorced, it is highly advisable that you see a marriage counselor, together if possible. Going to therapy may not necessarily change your mind, but it can cure some of the biggest challenges ailing your union. Communication is a central issue in marriages, and most people cite problems with connection as the primary issue of being unhappy and wanting to separate.
The most prevalent communication breakdowns are not listening, shouting, not thinking before speaking, unwanted non-verbal communication, placing blame, speaking in superlatives, etc. Investing in a few sessions can help identify what is causing these issues and how to repair them even if you follow through with separating. Remember, you will need to communicate well during divorce proceedings and after that, as you continue raising your children.
Rebecca Bergen, a clinical psychologist in Chicago, derives that couples seeking to divorce can benefit from counseling so they can start the grieving process. Therapy allows you to voice any negative feelings you are harboring, so your spouse understands how they hurt you and see things from your perspective. The non-filing spouse might get closure on what triggered the petition if they were oblivious of how their actions were undermining the marriage.
- Gradually break free
Most couples maintain joint checking and savings accounts, joint credit cards, and so on. Getting a divorce means you have to become independent and start being responsible for your finances. Close joint accounts and open new ones under each person's names, and determine how to pay for bills during and after divorce. Sharing a credit card is no longer an option, so you need to get one, something most women in marriages lack.
There is an obvious downside to having shared credit cards and bank accounts as the other spouse could cut you off once they file for divorce or after being served with papers. Not having money for grocery shopping or other expenditures is inconveniencing, and it can happen. Pre-empt such actions by your spouse by gaining some independence before submitting or upon receiving the news. This arrangement will ensure your life and children's lives carry on as seamlessly as possible, thus shielding yourselves from unnecessary turmoil and anger.
- Share the news with others
Another nail-biting aspect of divorce is wondering how to break the news to people outside the now-defunct nuclear family. You agonize about telling your parents, siblings, friends, colleagues, etc. worrying about how they will receive the news and if they will blame you or sympathize. In this age of social media, you need to decide how much information you wish to divulge to your followers and the world.
Once the news is out, friends, family, and colleagues will react, and they will inevitably share unsolicited advice to help you cope with the process and prepare for the end. Some will ask prying questions wanting to know what led to the downfall of your marriage, details that you may not be ready to share. Bergen advises divorcing couples to use the immense power of visualization and imagery to determine how they wish to act. By visualizing a tranquil version of yourself that is strong and free of bitterness and anger, you can easily command your emotions. This practice can save you from violent outbursts whenever you interact with your estranged spouse, family members, or mutual friends who may be forced to take sides.
Bergen also encourages using visualization to see how your new life will feel and look like once your spouse is no longer part of your day-to-day life. Even when you agree on shared custody, there will be moments where you will be alone dealing with mundane tasks that were once delegated to your partner. It could be walking the family dog, fixing the garage door, paying bills, and so on. Visualizing this new life goes a long way in preparing your emotions so you can keep them in check.
In the end, how you break the news depends on circumstances, but having excellent strategy can prevent things from getting out of hand, such as people gossiping about your divorce. For couples who have been married for a long time, getting ahead of the story shows you are in control and you decide what to share and when.
- Ask for help
We mentioned that divorce comes with a grieving process, and even a level-headed person can find it challenging to navigate through the murkiness of separation. Apart from attending couple's counseling, with your partner or alone, you will need to seek support from your family and other social networks. Hiding out at home and braving the pain is tempting, but this plan will not hold for long. Ask your most trusted friends to assist with chores that may get in the way, considering the current state of affairs. For instance, take full advantage of carpool, so kids get to school on time.
Making a deliberate point to socialize with people you are comfortable hanging around is vital for your emotional health as you go through this divorce journey. After spending a day ironing out the details of separation and perhaps engaging in a heated argument, enjoying a sundowner with friends sounds like a great idea. Nonetheless be careful not to force yourself to share details of your life or even be around people, some quiet time alone with just one friend or two may be what you need.
On the upside, sharing with trusted friends, especially those who have sailed through a divorce, can be helpful in many ways. They may recommend great financial advisors, a private investigator if need be, or even a skilled handyperson to do repairs around the home. Harness the power of social capital as you navigate divorce but also practice self-preservation to avoid oversharing at this sensitive time.
- Start job hunting
If your spouse was the sole breadwinner, you might want to consider getting a job to support yourself whether or not you have children. Depending on how much child support and alimony you may get, financial constraints may not be too far off not to mention legal fees and the need for two separate households. It is common for women to leave employment when they start a family but being divorced means catering for the bills in your home, and the divorce settlement may not suffice.
Finding a job now as opposed to waiting until the money runs out is highly recommended, and it also gives you a great head start. As you may be aware, landing a job in this economy is not always a breeze due to a crowded job market, so utilize your social circles for worthy introductions. Polish up your resume and start looking so you are not inconvenienced by dwindling funds after the judge grants a divorce decree.
If your budget allows, you could use this time to acquire more academic and professional qualifications to better your chances of landing a job. After surviving divorce and all that comes with it, you will be more than eager to revitalize yourself and launch a whole new life and what's better than getting a job and becoming financially independent? This move will demonstrate taking control of all aspects of your life post-divorce, which is inspiring to impressionable minds.
- Define family roles
Another common reason for marriage breakdown is not setting roles or representing them poorly. As you prepare for divorce, you will need to write down every activity involving you and the kids and determine who will handle that. Once a petition is filed, it is likely that one spouse will vacate the matrimonial residence, which means leaving one parent holding the fort. If you are both working, establish a workable schedule for kids' activities like dropping them off and picking them from school, taking them to after-school activities, etc. Paying bills, making doctor appointments, parent-teacher conferences, birthdays, play dates, etc. are activities to factor in when scheduling by week or month.
The goal here is to ensure nothing falls through the cracks and your kids' lives run seamlessly when the divorce is underway. Even if you remain on the same property, for now, defining roles helps with clear communication, so there are no misunderstandings. See this exercise as a trial practice for shared custody or whatever arrangements you arrive at during proceedings.
Finding the Best Divorce Attorney Near Me
As the above preparations ensue, do not forget to make the most crucial preparation yet; hiring the best divorce attorney. Divorce can be tricky, and things get complicated when it comes to finances, child custody, and dealing with the general fallout emanating from this process. San Diego Divorce Lawyer has a wealth of experience litigating many divorces and helping clients arrive at the best possible outcomes. Contact us at 858-529-5150 to start benefiting from our expert opinion today.
