Divorcing an abusive spouse is a challenging process that requires bravery and sacrifice. It is important to be prepared to work through a difficult divorce to improve the lives of the victim and the children involved. Divorcing an abusive husband or wife can be especially challenging, particularly in long-term marriages. This is because the abusive spouse often controls the finances and exhibits abusive behavior towards the partner and children. If you are a victim of an abusive spouse or know someone who is, this article will guide you through the process of how to divorce an abusive husband.
Create New Social Media And Email Accounts
When planning to leave an abusive marriage, it often feels like you have to lead two lives. Your partner is likely to become enraged and potentially violent if they find out about your plans to leave. To safely interact with anyone who is assisting you, it is important to create fresh accounts that your partner is unaware of.
Choose passwords that are different from any you have used before and are difficult for your spouse to guess. When using these accounts, it is important to connect with people you trust. Avoid sharing them with anyone who was initially a friend or family member of your partner. Your spouse might persuade some people to approach you and pretend to be on your side to gather information. This is particularly likely to happen if you have previously attempted to leave or if your spouse suspects you are planning to leave.
Have A Conversation With A Family Member Or Close Friend About Being An Ally
While it is possible to escape on your own, it will be much simpler if you receive assistance from someone "on the outside." If necessary, this person should be comfortable answering calls and collecting mail on your behalf. However, keep in mind that an abusive partner will often try to isolate you from others. So, even if you feel pressured, make sure it is someone you trust not to disclose your plans to your husband.
If you feel comfortable discussing this with your supervisor at work, they may be able to provide you with support and assistance. For example, they could give you some time to plan your getaway or offer a safe place to keep your evidence.
Consult With A Lawyer Regarding Your Situation
You should seek legal advice before going out if it is possible. Your spouse might try to contact every family lawyer in the area after you've left. If they have already spoken to those lawyers, there might be conflict of interest regulations preventing them from taking your case. Therefore, it's important to promptly seek the assistance of an attorney.
Attorney-client privilege ensures the confidentiality of all your conversations with an attorney, so there's no need to worry about your abusive partner finding out. However, it's important to take precautions and communicate with your attorney through methods that your husband cannot track, such as using a new email account or a friend's phone.
To find a domestic abuse shelter in your area, search online. Typically, these shelters can connect you with a local lawyer who can assist. It's important to note that their websites are secure and won't save any information in your browser's history that your spouse could use to find out that you visited the page.
Open A Bank Account In Your Name At A Different Bank
Consider selecting a different bank than the one your partner uses. Look for an internet-based banking account that you can open with no deposit if you are unable to visit a branch or if you have concerns about your spouse finding out.
To set up a direct transfer of your paycheck into your new bank account, please speak with someone on payroll. If you're concerned that your spouse will notice the change, you can discuss dividing the paycheck deposit into two accounts. Make sure to keep just enough in the joint account to avoid raising any suspicions, and transfer the remaining funds to your account.
If you're not earning an income outside of the house, it's a good idea to save some money whenever possible. Even if it may feel uncomfortable or difficult, don't hesitate to ask friends or family members if they'd be willing to lend you some money to help you leave.
Report Any Incidents Of Abuse To The Police
If your husband is physically abusing you, threatening harm to you or your children, or if you fear for your safety, you should call the police officers immediately. Try to stay calm while providing them with as much information as possible. If you believe that your safety or the well-being of your children is at risk, make sure to report this to the responding officers.
Another crime is domestic abuse. If you report the abuse to the authorities, your husband may face prosecution and possibly even arrest. This could give you the necessary time to flee, even if he is only temporarily imprisoned.
Write a detailed report of the incident as soon as possible. Include the names of any witnesses. If you are hesitant to call the police, explain your reasons for not doing so.
Maintain Detailed Records Of Any Instances Of Abuse
If your partner physically abuses you, it is crucial to document all your wounds, bruises, and other injuries by taking pictures. Be extremely detailed when describing everything that occurred. Additionally, take pictures of any property damage your partner may have caused. It is recommended to keep these documents in a secure location, such as a flash drive that you carry with you at all times.
You could also make duplicates of everything and send them to a friend or keep the copies at work. You can never have too many copies because you never know when your spouse might come across them and dispose of them or misplace them. If your partner has access to your mobile device, it's best to avoid storing these records on it.
Create An Escape Strategy And Practice It Whenever You Can
While your husband will undoubtedly see you packing, you can mentally inventory everything you'll need and make a list of where everything is. Put all of your vital documents, including passports and birth certificates, into a ziplock bag for easy retrieval.
It's important to have a plan for escaping in case of an emergency. Practice your plan until you can leave within five to ten minutes. If you intend to bring your kids along, it will take longer for you to go. Ask them to practice alongside you, just like in a fire drill. Have them practice packing a small backpack so they can keep their favorite toy and a change of clothes with them.
Seize The Opportunity To Leave And Move Quickly
When the moment comes, don't waste time contemplating it. Act quickly and simply leave. Stick to your strategy as you've practiced, and if anything doesn't go as planned, just move on and focus on your objective. Remember, never bring your phone with you, as your spouse may have location tracking enabled to find you.
Make sure your kids understand the seriousness of this issue if you have to bring them along. Recognize that they probably adore your spouse, especially if they are young, and may not fully comprehend the need for them to leave.
Once You Get Out, Don't Reveal Your Whereabouts
When you finally manage to escape and step outside, take a deep breath and feel relieved. However, keep in mind that even though you're free, you may still be in danger. It's a good idea to think about getting a postal address for your mail and to refrain from filling out any forms that your husband might use to find you.
Consider investing in a burner phone or an additional cell phone to ensure you can continue making calls. Inform your colleagues about the importance of keeping your phone number and address private, especially from your partner, if you work.
Seek A Court Restraining Order
After you are safe, complete the application for a protective order. You can obtain free applications for restraining orders from courthouses, shelters for victims of domestic violence, and police stations. Alternatively, you may also be able to find and fill out a free application online.
Providing complete and honest answers to all questions in the application is mandatory. Make sure to include as much information as possible. Once the application is filled out, you can submit it to the court clerk's office. The application will provide details on where to submit it after completion.
Speak With A Magistrate About Getting An Interim Restraining Order
When you submit your application, inform the court clerk if you require an emergency or temporary restraining order to immediately prevent your abusive spouse from contacting you. During the court proceedings, the judge will inquire about your marriage and the abuse that occurred. If you have any evidence, such as photos on your phone, you can present them to the judge as well.
The temporary protective order is only in force until the court hearing for the permanent protective order. If you don't attend that court hearing, you won't have any sort of restraining order.
Serve Your Spouse With The Restraining Order Paperwork
Typically, a sheriff's deputy will personally hand the documents to your husband. This ensures that your spouse is notified of your request for a restraining order and allows them to respond. Once all necessary documentation has been provided, you will receive a call. The best-case scenario in this situation is if your partner chooses to ignore it but doesn't count on it. Anticipate that your spouse will challenge the order with legal counsel.
Attend The Court Session To Obtain A Restraining Order
The court hearing can often be the most challenging part of getting a restraining order, especially if you anticipate your abusive husband's presence. During the hearing, it's important to avoid any eye contact or communication with your violent spouse. Instead, it's helpful to have supportive family and friends around you for moral support.
Your attorney will protect you from the most adverse aspects of the proceedings. However, you may still have to answer inquiries and take a stand. If your spouse's lawyer is present with legal representation, they will have the opportunity to interrogate you. It's important to stay calm and provide concise, direct responses to their inquiries.
Publish A Few Copies Of Your Order In The Locations You Frequently Visit
Make printed copies of the legal document and bring them with you to school, work, and other locations that you and your kids commonly visit once the judge grants your order. Additionally, including a picture of your spouse can help you and your kids identify who to watch out for.
Remember to bring copies of this information to your regular medical doctors as well. It's important to be cautious, as there is a possibility that your spouse may visit the doctor in search of personal data on you or your kids.
Divorce Filing
You can consult with a lawyer who has experience dealing with domestic abuse victims. It might be beneficial to stick with the lawyer you initially hired to help you file for a restraining order and leave your spouse if they also handle divorces. If not, you can ask them for recommendations on who can assist you with the divorce process.
If you have the time, it might be helpful to interview two or three attorneys. This way, you can easily select the lawyer who best meets your needs and makes you feel supported. It's important to have faith and trust in the person you choose.
Attorneys experienced in domestic violence cases understand the financial constraints you may be facing. While it may not always be possible to find someone willing to handle your case for free, they are often open to offering a lower price and a payment schedule that can make their services more affordable for you.
Never delay hiring legal counsel because you think you can't afford it. Representing yourself in court will put you at a significant disadvantage, especially if your spouse hires the best lawyer they can.
Provide Your Lawyer With The Necessary Information To Begin The Process Of Filing For Divorce
Your attorney will likely ask you to fill out a questionnaire that includes details about you and your partner, your marriage, any children you may have, and your assets. It's important to provide as much detail as possible, even if you don't have a copy of all the information or can't recall it accurately.
Filling out the paperwork would be easier if you carry any legal documents with you, such as bank records and birth certificates. If you left any sentimental personal belongings at the marital residence when you fled, make sure to inform your attorney. They can help you retrieve them before the separation or divorce is finalized. For example, you may want your jewelry or photo albums returned to you.
Review The Divorce Petition With Your Legal Counsel
Before filing the divorce petition with the court, your attorney will review it with you to ensure that all the information is accurate and complete. Let them know if you have any additional ideas so they can incorporate them.
If you're confused about anything in the divorce petition, make sure to ask your lawyer for an explanation. Before signing the petition, ensure that you have read and fully understood it.
Await The Filing Of Your Spouse's Petition Response
Once your attorney files the petition, your husband will receive a copy of it. He will then have a short window of time (typically a few weeks, but this timeframe may vary depending on the court) to submit an answer to the court. Your attorney will receive a copy of his response and will review it with you.
You should not rely on the assumption that you will always receive what you want if someone fails to respond. In the case of an abusive partner, they may resist getting a divorce because it would mean relinquishing their power over the situation.
To Finalize Your Divorce, Make Sure To Attend Your Hearing
If the divorce is still being contested, you will have a court hearing before a magistrate to settle the specifics, such as the division of property. The judge will also make decisions regarding child support and custody if you and your partner have children. You will likely accompany your lawyer to the courthouse and have a meeting with them before the hearing. It's a good idea to bring along a family member or close friend for moral support.
After the hearing, the judge will provide the specifics of the divorce. Within a few days, you will receive a formal order outlining the terms. Take some time to do something nice for yourself after the hearing. Now that you've been through a lot, you can start rebuilding your life.
Find a Divorce Attorney Near Me
If you are going through a divorce with an abusive husband, our family law attorneys at San Diego Divorce Attorney can help. For many years, our team of experienced divorce lawyers has been dedicated to representing abuse victims and survivors. We prioritize listening to your story and understanding your unique situation. Once we have a clear understanding, we will present you with all the available legal options. Additionally, we will thoroughly explain the potential outcomes of each course of action, empowering you to make an informed decision. Call us today at 858-529-5150.
